also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
