i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
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I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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