it's not cheating when I paid for it
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
