Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
