Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
