oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
