i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
