Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
