Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Pants are for mortals
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
