Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
