I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I need to calm my uterus...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
