Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
