Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
