i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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