Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
