I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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