My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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