My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
