How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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