Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
