I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
