I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
