last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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