Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
