so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
