The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
