Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just want to make out with him forever
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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