Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
