All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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