i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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