Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
