I'm lost and stupid without you.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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