Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
