its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
