Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize