a queef is a wish your heart makes.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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