There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
