I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
