I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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