a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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