I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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