She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
