How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
