I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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