yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
