roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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