the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
