I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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