I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
