I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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