When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
