She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I know her cup size but not her name....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
