ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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