just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
a search helicopter?!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
