I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
