I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Randomize
