I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
