Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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